Hello world! I’m about to do it. I can’t hold out any longer – the moment has finally come. I’ve finally broken down.
I’m going to watch New Moon.
And as I do so, I’m going to type my thoughts and reactions. I’ve read the book, and if the movie is anyhwere near as craptastic as the book, well, this is going to be a doozy.
So sit back, relax, and hopefully, laugh. Wish me luck; here I go.
-Oh god, the opening sequence. The music and the moon...frig, we get it. New moon. I’m getting bored already and we’re only about 25 seconds in. Crap.
-The opening dream sequence could’ve been cool if K-stew didn’t suck at acting. Or if Edward could stop freaking sparkling.
-Jesus, Bella. Way to always be such a Debbie Downer.
-I’m pretty sure Edward just parked his car across 3 parking spaces. Dick.
-Could you imagine being that tense every time you kissed your significant other?
-It’s true; Kristen and Taylor have way more chemistry than she and Robert do.
-“You give me everything just by breathing.” Barf.
-“You can’t trust vampires. Trust me.” Har har har.
-I was just about to write how fucking rude Bella and Edward were being as they talked through the movie when the teacher called them on it. Haha.
-Moving photographs? When did we get to Hogwarts? And why can’t we stay there?
-“You are my only reason to stay alive.” –Um, that’s not healthy. It’s sure as hell not romantic.
-Bella is so fecking ungrateful. Jesus, just shut up, they’re throwing you a birthday party, bitch!
-Who bleeds that much from a paper cut?
-You know it’s a bad movie when the lead actress has more chemistry than her movie-boyfriend’s father than her actual movie-boyfriend. She talks normally to everyone else; why can’t she talk like a normal person to Edward? Why must she pause after every second word when they have a conversation???
-“DON’T WORRY ABOUT[ MY SOUL]”? WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN
-Awkward make-out scenes are awkward. Especially for two people who are so in love they decide to kill themselves when they break-up.
-Speaking of, the break-up scene is one I wish I could’ve seen in the theatre with the Twitards. That would’ve been so amusing!
-Okay, okay. “IF THIS IS ABOUT MY SOUL, TAKE IT, I DON’T WANT IT WITHOUT YOU.” Again, I think that “WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN” is kinda appropriate. Because I really don't know what to say. I'm literally speechless. Maybe my blood is boiling too much to be able to comprehend anything.
-“Please. Don’t.” That was the flattest I’ve ever heard anyone’s voice go and I don’t mean that as a compliment. I’m sure conveying numbness on screen is a difficult thing, and if you’re like K-Stew and can’t do it properly, it comes off as monotone.
-I realize we’re only 25 minutes in, but that scene in the woods was the worst, most poorly-acted scene ever.
-And like a whiny little bitch, Bella collapses in the woods. Look honey, we’ve all been dumped. It sucks, I know. But stop being a drama queen, go home, and cry your eyes out in the comfort of your own bedroom like any normal person would.
-Look, I know heartache – espeically the first one – is awful, but trust me. Even the most heartbroken peson eventually gets bored of being heartbroken. And why does Bella remind me of some creepy old crazy person sitting in her rocking chair by the window watching the kiddies play outside?
-Screaming in your sleep because your boyfriend dumped you? I’m actually getting physically angry at how god-damn stupid this fucking movie is. Holy shit. GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY YOU STUPID LITTLE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE THE FIRST PERSON THE GET DUMPED AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR GODDAMN LIFE ALREADY! FUCK!
-Thank you, Billy, for having the good sense to realize Bella’s behaviour is downright scary. Don’t send her to Arizona; send her to a psychiatric ward.
-Poor Anna Kendrick. Poor Academy Award-nominated Anna Kendrick, being in this shite.
-BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA not to just Fantasy!Edward, but to Bella’s reaction to seeing him the first time. She was staring right at him/it before she reacted, and it was glorious. (Looks at Edward...pause...”Ahh! Edward! You frightened me even though I’ve been staring right at you this whole time!” hehehe)
-There’s a fine line between “reckless” and “ridiculously retarded.”
-Thanks, Jess! I knew I always liked you for a reason. She and Billy are the only sane people in this whole franchise, methinks.
-Oh, goody, another one of Bella’s dreams. *rolls eyes* Not only is this the stupidest thing EVAR but my god, the acting. It makes me uncomfortable to watch.
-Please, Bella, for the love of god, listen to Billy! “Learn to love what’s good for you.” Seriously, take his advice.
-“Are you doubting your...mad skills?” Oh Bella. I realllly hope that was supposed to sound as akward as it did.
-“You have some kind of...beef with them?” WHY DOES EVERYTHING SO UNNATURAL COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH, BELLA???
-WTF to the random Edwards floating around as she drives by. It looks like some sort of 3-D racing game from my darkest nightmares.
-LOLOLOLOL to Jacob casually taking off his shirt to dab at her cut. Yeah, that was so necessary, guys. (Especially cause it did ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING!)
-D’aww, Mike is kind of adorable. Clueless, but adorable.
“Love spelled backwards is love.” First of all, love spelled backwards is “evol.” Secondly, was that supposed to be funny? Because...it really wasn’t.
-God Bella, stop being a cocktease. She basically tells Jake to wait for her to like him back, even though she knows she never will. Biiiiiitch. Bitch bitch bitchity bitch I said bitch bitch bitchity bitch!
-Also, every guy in the history of the world says “I’ll never hurt you/let you down.” Chances are this isn’t true. Nope, I’m not bitter that my ex-boyfriend said that to me then turned out to be a lying prick. Not bitter at all...
-Oh lordy. Bella confronting Jacob in the rain...any time K-Stew has to convey emotion or raise her voice above a monotone, it’s hard to watch.
-Frig stop writing to Alice! Clearly she isn’t writing back.
-“Lie better.” Bahaha, even imaginary, fantasy!Edward knows she’s a shitty actress.
-Holy cow. Worst. CGI. Ever. Well, for a 2009 movie. Considering how much these movies make at the box office, you’d think they’d get a bigger budget for CGI effects.
-Again, much more chemistry between Bella and Jake than between Bella and her one twu luv.
-Yeah right, Bella is not badass enough to slap someone, especially someone she doesn’t know.
-“Guess the wolf’s out of the bag!” Har har har. The comedy, it kills me.
-Seriously, stop writing to Alice. It’s getting annoying. After the 75th billion no response, you'd think she'd give up. Can't she just be writing in a diary like a normal teenage girl?
-“I have to jump off a cliff to make-believe see my boyfriend! That’s so logical and normal and healthy!”
-Even fake Edward’s pleas are so unenthusiastic. “Bella. Please. Don’t.”
-Bet you feel like a dumbass now for "recklessly" jumping off a cliff when people are actually dying, eh Bells?
-Bella planned to jump off the cliff, so why did Alice think Bella was going to committ suicide? Wouldn’t her vision also show that Bella’s alive? She even says her vision didn’t show Bella getting pulled out of the water, but how come? Alice’s visions aren’t effective if someone makes a sudden decision about whatever Alice has her vision about (if that made sense), but Bella clearly planned on jumping, so why didn’t Alice know that? Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. Plotholes don’t matter in Twilight!!
-LOL to Bella flying Virgin. It's the only funny joke in the movie. (No, seriously.)
-Always the drama queen, Eddie. Waiting until the sun is at its highest? C’mon. If you really wanted to die, you’d step outside ASAP, not wait until the most dramatic moment possible.
-I like how Bella is conveniently not clumsy or klutzy as she bolts through Volterra. She runs through a water fountain for crying out loud, how did she not slip or fall or anything?
-“I lied. You believe me so easily. Because I’m such a douche and have no qualms taking advantage of how much you trust me!”
-Oh, Dakota Fanning. I’m all for actors taking on roles just for fun – in fact, I actually don’t respect actors who only take on Academy Award potential material (hi Angelina Jolie!) but this is a huge step down for you, sweetheart. You actually can have a respectable career.
-The only way I can describe Aro is “fruity” and it’s kind of awesome. No, seriously.
-R-Patz, you’re looking a little rough during these Italy scenes. I’m guessing that’s the point, sincehe’s tortured or some shit like that, but yiiiikes. Ease off the whiskey between shots, bro. (Not that I blame you.)
-Annnnd yet another person who can’t read Bella’s mind. Know why? IT’S BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE ONE! This is not something to be proud of or amazed by.
-“She confounds us all.” Yes, she’s such a special little snowflake, ourStephenie Meyer Bella Swan, isn’t she?
-The fight scene was the only slightly not-boring part of the whole movie, and it was still a little lacking.
I’m going to watch New Moon.
And as I do so, I’m going to type my thoughts and reactions. I’ve read the book, and if the movie is anyhwere near as craptastic as the book, well, this is going to be a doozy.
So sit back, relax, and hopefully, laugh. Wish me luck; here I go.
-Oh god, the opening sequence. The music and the moon...frig, we get it. New moon. I’m getting bored already and we’re only about 25 seconds in. Crap.
-The opening dream sequence could’ve been cool if K-stew didn’t suck at acting. Or if Edward could stop freaking sparkling.
-Jesus, Bella. Way to always be such a Debbie Downer.
-I’m pretty sure Edward just parked his car across 3 parking spaces. Dick.
-Could you imagine being that tense every time you kissed your significant other?
-It’s true; Kristen and Taylor have way more chemistry than she and Robert do.
-“You give me everything just by breathing.” Barf.
-“You can’t trust vampires. Trust me.” Har har har.
-I was just about to write how fucking rude Bella and Edward were being as they talked through the movie when the teacher called them on it. Haha.
-Moving photographs? When did we get to Hogwarts? And why can’t we stay there?
-“You are my only reason to stay alive.” –Um, that’s not healthy. It’s sure as hell not romantic.
-Bella is so fecking ungrateful. Jesus, just shut up, they’re throwing you a birthday party, bitch!
-Who bleeds that much from a paper cut?
-You know it’s a bad movie when the lead actress has more chemistry than her movie-boyfriend’s father than her actual movie-boyfriend. She talks normally to everyone else; why can’t she talk like a normal person to Edward? Why must she pause after every second word when they have a conversation???
-“DON’T WORRY ABOUT[ MY SOUL]”? WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN
-Awkward make-out scenes are awkward. Especially for two people who are so in love they decide to kill themselves when they break-up.
-Speaking of, the break-up scene is one I wish I could’ve seen in the theatre with the Twitards. That would’ve been so amusing!
-Okay, okay. “IF THIS IS ABOUT MY SOUL, TAKE IT, I DON’T WANT IT WITHOUT YOU.” Again, I think that “WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN” is kinda appropriate. Because I really don't know what to say. I'm literally speechless. Maybe my blood is boiling too much to be able to comprehend anything.
-“Please. Don’t.” That was the flattest I’ve ever heard anyone’s voice go and I don’t mean that as a compliment. I’m sure conveying numbness on screen is a difficult thing, and if you’re like K-Stew and can’t do it properly, it comes off as monotone.
-I realize we’re only 25 minutes in, but that scene in the woods was the worst, most poorly-acted scene ever.
-And like a whiny little bitch, Bella collapses in the woods. Look honey, we’ve all been dumped. It sucks, I know. But stop being a drama queen, go home, and cry your eyes out in the comfort of your own bedroom like any normal person would.
-Look, I know heartache – espeically the first one – is awful, but trust me. Even the most heartbroken peson eventually gets bored of being heartbroken. And why does Bella remind me of some creepy old crazy person sitting in her rocking chair by the window watching the kiddies play outside?
-Screaming in your sleep because your boyfriend dumped you? I’m actually getting physically angry at how god-damn stupid this fucking movie is. Holy shit. GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY YOU STUPID LITTLE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE THE FIRST PERSON THE GET DUMPED AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR GODDAMN LIFE ALREADY! FUCK!
-Thank you, Billy, for having the good sense to realize Bella’s behaviour is downright scary. Don’t send her to Arizona; send her to a psychiatric ward.
-Poor Anna Kendrick. Poor Academy Award-nominated Anna Kendrick, being in this shite.
-BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA not to just Fantasy!Edward, but to Bella’s reaction to seeing him the first time. She was staring right at him/it before she reacted, and it was glorious. (Looks at Edward...pause...”Ahh! Edward! You frightened me even though I’ve been staring right at you this whole time!” hehehe)
-There’s a fine line between “reckless” and “ridiculously retarded.”
-Thanks, Jess! I knew I always liked you for a reason. She and Billy are the only sane people in this whole franchise, methinks.
-Oh, goody, another one of Bella’s dreams. *rolls eyes* Not only is this the stupidest thing EVAR but my god, the acting. It makes me uncomfortable to watch.
-Please, Bella, for the love of god, listen to Billy! “Learn to love what’s good for you.” Seriously, take his advice.
-“Are you doubting your...mad skills?” Oh Bella. I realllly hope that was supposed to sound as akward as it did.
-“You have some kind of...beef with them?” WHY DOES EVERYTHING SO UNNATURAL COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH, BELLA???
-WTF to the random Edwards floating around as she drives by. It looks like some sort of 3-D racing game from my darkest nightmares.
-LOLOLOLOL to Jacob casually taking off his shirt to dab at her cut. Yeah, that was so necessary, guys. (Especially cause it did ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING!)
-D’aww, Mike is kind of adorable. Clueless, but adorable.
“Love spelled backwards is love.” First of all, love spelled backwards is “evol.” Secondly, was that supposed to be funny? Because...it really wasn’t.
-God Bella, stop being a cocktease. She basically tells Jake to wait for her to like him back, even though she knows she never will. Biiiiiitch. Bitch bitch bitchity bitch I said bitch bitch bitchity bitch!
-Also, every guy in the history of the world says “I’ll never hurt you/let you down.” Chances are this isn’t true. Nope, I’m not bitter that my ex-boyfriend said that to me then turned out to be a lying prick. Not bitter at all...
-Oh lordy. Bella confronting Jacob in the rain...any time K-Stew has to convey emotion or raise her voice above a monotone, it’s hard to watch.
-Frig stop writing to Alice! Clearly she isn’t writing back.
-“Lie better.” Bahaha, even imaginary, fantasy!Edward knows she’s a shitty actress.
-Holy cow. Worst. CGI. Ever. Well, for a 2009 movie. Considering how much these movies make at the box office, you’d think they’d get a bigger budget for CGI effects.
-Again, much more chemistry between Bella and Jake than between Bella and her one twu luv.
-Yeah right, Bella is not badass enough to slap someone, especially someone she doesn’t know.
-“Guess the wolf’s out of the bag!” Har har har. The comedy, it kills me.
-Seriously, stop writing to Alice. It’s getting annoying. After the 75th billion no response, you'd think she'd give up. Can't she just be writing in a diary like a normal teenage girl?
-“I have to jump off a cliff to make-believe see my boyfriend! That’s so logical and normal and healthy!”
-Even fake Edward’s pleas are so unenthusiastic. “Bella. Please. Don’t.”
-Bet you feel like a dumbass now for "recklessly" jumping off a cliff when people are actually dying, eh Bells?
-Bella planned to jump off the cliff, so why did Alice think Bella was going to committ suicide? Wouldn’t her vision also show that Bella’s alive? She even says her vision didn’t show Bella getting pulled out of the water, but how come? Alice’s visions aren’t effective if someone makes a sudden decision about whatever Alice has her vision about (if that made sense), but Bella clearly planned on jumping, so why didn’t Alice know that? Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. Plotholes don’t matter in Twilight!!
-LOL to Bella flying Virgin. It's the only funny joke in the movie. (No, seriously.)
-Always the drama queen, Eddie. Waiting until the sun is at its highest? C’mon. If you really wanted to die, you’d step outside ASAP, not wait until the most dramatic moment possible.
-I like how Bella is conveniently not clumsy or klutzy as she bolts through Volterra. She runs through a water fountain for crying out loud, how did she not slip or fall or anything?
-“I lied. You believe me so easily. Because I’m such a douche and have no qualms taking advantage of how much you trust me!”
-Oh, Dakota Fanning. I’m all for actors taking on roles just for fun – in fact, I actually don’t respect actors who only take on Academy Award potential material (hi Angelina Jolie!) but this is a huge step down for you, sweetheart. You actually can have a respectable career.
-The only way I can describe Aro is “fruity” and it’s kind of awesome. No, seriously.
-R-Patz, you’re looking a little rough during these Italy scenes. I’m guessing that’s the point, sincehe’s tortured or some shit like that, but yiiiikes. Ease off the whiskey between shots, bro. (Not that I blame you.)
-Annnnd yet another person who can’t read Bella’s mind. Know why? IT’S BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE ONE! This is not something to be proud of or amazed by.
-“She confounds us all.” Yes, she’s such a special little snowflake, our
-The fight scene was the only slightly not-boring part of the whole movie, and it was still a little lacking.
-How does galloping through the woods in olde timey clothes = becoming a vampire?
-The bit with Bella taking a vote for her vampirism is sooo boring. And I like how Rosalie is supposedly such a bitch for saying no, even though I completely understand her reasoning behind it.
-“You don’t get to speak for her!” Thank you, Jacob, for at least trying to be sensible.
-What a lame ending. Movies in a series should still work as stand-alones, but clearly Twilight doesn't have to play by the rules.
Overall thoughts & comments: It's weird, because while in some ways it was worse than the first movie, it was also somehow better. I think it really comes down to the fact that you sort of feel like you're watching two movies in one: the Edward-Bella bookends with the Jacob-Bella middle. I personally felt that the Jacob-Bella middle was the better part of the film. As I mentioned twice before, Stewart and Lautner have way more chemistry than Stewart and Pattinson. Bella is way more relaxed and actually comes close to being likeable (doesn't actually reach it though) when she and Jake hang out. Plus, her conflicts with him - and his conflicts with the pack - are way more interesting than watching her twitch and screech in her sleep after getting dumped. I couldn't help but notice that as the film went on, Bella's OMG I miss Edward! e-mails to Alice started to become more of an after-thought, like "oh shit, we gotta remind the audience that Edward's around!" instead of coming across as Bella genuinely missing Edward. And how come Jacob, as Bella's friend, treated her better than Edward, her boyfriend, ever did?
Naturally, I still think this movie is a bag of crap. The acting is terrible, the storytelling is implausibly worse, and it just drags on and on. Watching heartbroken!Bella is way worse than reading about her, and she quickly crosses the line from feeling sorry for her to wanting her to just shut the hell up. Like I said above, the only semi-decent parts of the film involve Jacob, so knowing that Bella is predictably going to get back together with Edward is just annoying. The Volturri aren't entirely bad either, but considering how little they're on screen, they don't add all that much to the overall film (unlike Voldemort from the Harry Potter movies - his presence, while short-lived, always leaves a huge impact on the movie). The scenes with Victoria were unnecessary - she doesn't say a single line, pretty much just runs around the woods and yet we're supposed to feel threatened by her. This is supposed to set up the conflict for the next film; unfortunately, it just falls flat.
I'm glad I didn't spend a single dollar seeing this movie. It was so bad it wasn't even entertaining in a "so bad it's good" kind of way. Eclipse is coming out in the fall (I think), and I can't wait to see how much worse these movies could possibly get.
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