Survivor Seasons Ranked: Part 2

Part one of the list is here!

12. China – I feel badly for putting this so low on my list, because it gave us a lot of great things. It gave us a unique location, some all-star players and some great game play. Todd's domination in FTC is something all potential Survivor players should watch, because it's a thing of beauty. Unfortunately, it also gave us the beginning of the final three format and is probably the biggest perpetrator of the winner’s edit. Still, it was a great season – but like Exile Island, there are more seasons that were simply better.

11. Africa – I have a feeling a lot of people would disagree with this ranking. And I admit, it may largely have to do with nostalgia. But hear me out: Africa was a unique location and presented wild animals killing you at night as a legit threat. We saw some truly awesome fan favourites in Lex and Big Tom. Africa featured a tribal shake up for the very first time in the show’s history, which sent everyone scrambling. Between this and one of the show’s best (and my personal favourite) winners to date in Ethan, Africa may also be an underrated season. This may change with another viewing at some point, but it deserves a shot at the title. Plus, fun fact: this was the first time a winner got the prize with a 5-2 vote.

10. Amazon – Survivor divided its tribes in a specific way for the first time in Amazon, giving us the battle of the sexes. It was a blast to watch and a shame when the tribes were switched up relatively early on in the game. With Amazon, we saw some great players, especially in Rob Cesternino. We had our first handicapped player in Christy, who is deaf. There certainly wasn’t a lack of strategy in Amazon, and it still holds up extremely well after all of these years.

9. Pearl Islands – I recently re-watched this first season and was surprised to see how good it was. Solid players, solid strategy and the introduction of two extremely opposite players: sweet, loveable Rupert and lying, manipulative Johnny Fairplay. And okay, it has to be mentioned: love it or hate it, Fairplay’s “my grandmother died” scheme is one of the most classic moments in Survivor history. Pearl Islands also had a pirate theme to it, which I enjoyed a lot more the second time around. Even if you didn’t like the Outcasts twist, and especially if you didn’t like Lil in the final two, it was a great season that is a must-watch for any new viewers.

8. Marquesas – I’m not sure how I feel about this particular ranking. On the one hand, it gave us many great things and is probably an underrated classic. On the other, it’s been a good 12 years since I watched the season. Considering how early on Marquesas came in Survivor history, I could be remembering it with rose coloured glasses. But let’s talk about the good, shall we? Marquesas took us back to the beach, gave us the first time one tribe dominated over the other (Rotu didn’t go to tribal council until day 15) and introduced us to the likes of Kathy and…. Boston Rob. Yep, Boston Rob gave us his first performance and at the time was extremely notorious. Marquesas also gave us what is likely to be the first major blunder of an alliance: the Rotu 4 revealed the tribe’s pecking order during a challenge, which resulted in the others coming together and voting them out one by one. Sweet. Unfortunately, Marquesas also gave us our first arguably weak final two in Vecepia and Neleh. It was the first – and up until recently – only time the players had to go to rocks to determine a split vote. Poor Paschal.

7. Tocantins – This season is ranked around the middle in most other Survivor lists, but I have always heartily disagreed. There was some solid game play here, most noticeably with the “secret” alliance between Taj, JT and Stephen.  We got the most memorable Bromance with JT and Stephen, which was adorable and something I’d like to see more of in the future. We saw some great players – Tyson especially – and love him or hate him, we saw the first installment of Coach. Tocantins also gave us the first “perfect game” winner in JT, who won all jury votes without a single vote cast against him. Way to go! Bizarrely, it marks the last time we saw a final two, which is quite unfortunate.

6. Cook Islands – This was another one of those seasons where I was pleasantly surprised at how well it has aged. It started out as a heated controversy – the tribes were divided up by race – but even without that element, it was a great season. The turning moment was when all players were given the chance to mutiny and join the other tribe – and two players did! The other tribe was shrunk down to only a couple of players, and against all odds, they came back to make it to the end. Incredible! Plus, this season gave us some of my favourite players: Parvati, Penner, Yul and – at the time – Ozzy. (Let’s talk about Ozzy for a sec. I loved him in Cook Islands, but after his lame showmance with Amanda in Micronesia, I liked him less. When he came back as an arrogant prick in South Pacific, I was over it.) Cook Islands also gave us one of the most random and hilarious moments, when one of the earliest castaways to get voted out declared his love for Candice at tribal, even though they’d exchanged about 5 words. Watch Jeff Probst’s reaction to that, you will not regret it. All of this paired with a stunning location, definitely give this one a go. 

5. Palau – Once my second all-time favourite season, I admit this one didn’t hold up quite as well as I remembered. The winner’s edit was too obvious, as was the boot list. However, Palau has the distinction of being the first and only season of Survivor to feature a tribe that completely decimated the other tribe and is the only season to never officially have a merge. That was incredibly fun to watch! You couldn’t but feel for Steph as she desperately watched her tribe get smaller and smaller, and she couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Plus, Palau gave us one of my favourite winners in Tom. He was a true leader of his tribe and will go down as one of the most deserving winners, in my books.

4. Philippines – Pretty much everything about this season worked, and worked incredibly well. There was a great twist: three returning players who had been med evac’d from their previous installment were back to take another shot at the title. Another thing Philippines had going for it: Malcolm. Malcolm became the new Golden Boy of Survivor, and nobody can get enough of him. Even though he didn’t win, everyone was satisfied with a deserving winner in Denise. Between this and some great game play, Philippines has earned its spot in the top 5.

3. Caramoan – I’m just as shocked as you are to see such a recent season crack the top three. Admittedly, the first half of the season wasn’t quite as strong. Bringing the mentally unstable Brandon Hantz back was a mistake, and we all paid the price. His epic meltdown wasn’t fun to watch – it was actually horrifying and sad. (Caramoan also brought us the Jeff Probst back rub. Make fun of it all you want, but Jeff knows what he’s doing out there. Props to him for being such a solid host.) Post-merge, the season took off flying. There were so many twists, turns and blindsides, I can barely keep track. Sure, there were a few unpleasant moments – most notably Brenda forcing Dawn to take out her false teeth at final tribal – but we also saw some of the best game play in the show’s history. "Hold up, bro!" will forever be one of my favourite Survivor moments. 

2. Australia – Yes, I have some residual guilt ranking this season so high because of nostalgic reasons. Australia was the first season I watched, and so it will forever hold a place in my heart. But you know what? I feel okay with this decision, because I can defend it well. Australia gave us some really great, memorable players – especially with Skupin, Colby, Tina and even Jerri, who was the first-ever Survivor villainess. Australia gave us the first and worst injury in the game to date – Mike Skupin falling in the fire and severely burning his hands – and perhaps the only injury to make a serious impact on the rest of the game. But one of the reasons why Australia was so good was because it showed the castaways truly surviving. They were out there the longest (42 days instead of the 39 that has marked the show before and since Australia). They endured some incredibly grueling weather when a flood completely destroyed their camp. They were so hungry that Elisabeth’s hair was falling out and Jeff Probst had to come to their camp and do an exchange for rice. (I highly suspect these last two things are the reason why they nixed the 42 days idea – they may have genuinely worried someone would die of starvation or malnutrition out there!) We saw the Survivors truly survive out in the Outback, and while there have been many seasons since where the contestants have had bad weather, I don’t think any of them suffered as badly as the Australian cast. That may not make it sound appealing, but damn, it was fascinating to watch.

And the all-time best season is….

1. Fans vs. Favourites – As if there were any doubt. FvF gave us what is probably the best example of an alliance taking charge of the game, dominating it and taking it to the end. We saw some of the best blindsides in the show’s history, as well as some of the most ridiculous tribal councils rivaled only by FvF 2 (Caramoan, for those keeping track). Parvati is probably the best to play the game, and she more than deserved her win. She mastered the game and executed it perfectly. I know this is a great season, because I can go back and watch it again and again, and still enjoy every minute of it. Great players, great moves, great strategy. If I had to choose one season to use as an introduction to someone who’s never seen the show, this would be it. 

Where will Blood vs. Water fall on this yet? Time will tell! Catch the finale this Sunday. 

Survivor Seasons Ranked: Part 1

It should come as no surprise that I am a big Survivor fan. I’ve been watching it for almost as long as it’s been on, and along the way I’ve seen some great moments. To celebrate the fact that we are one episode away from finishing a great season, I thought I’d post my rankings of the Survivor seasons thus far (Blood vs. Water isn’t included since it’s not over yet! Anything could happen!).  

This is all just personal opinion and there are some controversial rankings, so be warned!

And since this is a loooong post, I broke it up into two parts.

26. Redemption Island – The only season that I started to watch but never finished (though I tuned in to the FTC and reunion). The whole thing was set up to be a Russell vs. Rob showdown, but the minute Russell got voted out, they pretty much handed Rob the million dollars on the spot. And why not? Everyone else was incapable of playing the game. Plus, it gave us Redemption Island, which I think works better in theory than in reality. Between RI and the extreme predictability of the winner, this has got to be one of the most boring seasons of all time. (And it gave us Philip “The Specialist” Shepherd and his pink panties. I think this speaks for itself.)

25. Nicaragua – The only word I can use to describe this season is “ugly.” It was a mean-spirited season with bad game play, unmemorable players and two of the worst twists in Survivor history: the thankfully never seen again Medallion of Power and separating the tribes into old versus young. Plus, two players quit days before the end of the game. That was just painful to watch.

24. Thailand –It’s been ages since I’ve seen this season, so maybe it’s not entirely fair to rank a season I haven’t seen in over a decade so low. What I do remember, unfortunately, is quite bad. Thailand was the fifth season, and it was the first to feature an extremely unlikeable cast. There were a few decent people out there, but they got booted right away. Even the winner wasn’t someone you could cheer for, but when compared to the other players left, you were forced into cheering for Brian. The fake merge was funny, but...yeah. Sorry, Thailand. 

23. One World – Having the two tribes to live on the same beach was actually an interesting and fresh idea, but the thing that lands this season so low on my list is a lack of great players. And I mean that in every sense of the word – there were a lot of bad players, and some of the players who were good strategists were truly disgusting people (Colton. I’m talking about Colton). However, at least it gave us a truly deserving winner for the first time in a while: Kim Spradlin. I'd love to see her play again.

22. Samoa – The only memorable thing was Russell. And that’s not so much of a good thing, in my eyes. As much as I detest that man and everything he stands for, he pulled off some amazing blindsides and was the first player to find idols without needing the clues. I will regret putting this out there for the world to see, but: Russell made this season and was refreshing after watching so many complacent, boring players in the game. There, I said it. However, one compelling player does not a season make. 

21. Fiji – I seriously have no recollection of this season other than the haves vs. have-nots twist (WHAT DID THEY THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?? OF COURSE THE PEOPLE WITH FOOD AND SHELTER DOMINATED!). I vaguely remember Yau-Man and even less vaguely remember winner Earl (although he was the first player to win unanimously). There was something about a Dreamz-Yau Man car deal that caused controversy, but I don’t even remember that too well. This season is generally thought of as forgettable, so I don’t feel too bad not having any memory of it. (I don’t even have memories of watching it, although I’m sure I did.)

20. Vanuatu – I have very little recollection of this season as well. Its winner Chris Daughtry (no, not that Chris Daughtry) deserves props for being the last man standing to win the damn thing in a season of men versus women and when the women had a fairly solid alliance. We saw some great players – Ami and Eliza – for the first time. But other than that, I don’t remember very much. In fact, this was the first season that I didn’t watch in its completion when it aired, which is saying something.

19. Guatemala – I recently re-watched this season and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I even considered moving it higher on the list, but decided I couldn’t because of how many truly great seasons there have been before and since. But man, was this a brutal season! Between their grueling two-day hike to their camps and the fact they couldn’t go swimming without a crocodile-proofed pool, these guys endured a lot. Many of the big, strong guys were depleted for days, which is unusual. The game play was decent, but prior to my re-watch, all I could remember was how angry some of the players were (Judd and Jamie come to mind). I loved Stephenie in her first season, but she came off as whiny and entitled this time around. I liked Rafe, I liked winner Danni Boatwright (and loved how she outed an ex-NFL player, heh), I loved the location. But that’s pretty much it. Not counting the last season, this is the only season, I believe, to not feature any returning players. (Steph in HvV doesn’t count, since this wasn’t her original season.) Interesting, because this was the first season to new and returning players.

18. Borneo – Now don’t hate me. I have never seen this season. I know, it’s the one that started it all, and for such a fan, it’s hard for even me to come to terms with the fact I haven’t watched it. But you want to know why I haven’t seen it? It’s boring. It was a much different game back then. Things were a lot simpler. And while I don’t always love the many twists and turns shoved down our throats with newer seasons, there’s something to be said for people who are hungry for strategy and great game play. I’ve tried watching it, but honestly, I can’t make it past the first episode. (I put it here because of its legacy to the show; I can’t fairly rank a season I haven’t seen, but it felt wrong to put it at the bottom of the list. I have little recollection of seasons 21-19 on this list, so it seemed right to rank Borneo at the top of that cluster, if that makes any sense.)

17. South Pacific – The somewhat high-ish ranking of this season surprises even me, because it gave us the return of one of my least favourite players, Ozzy (we’ll see more on him later), brought us back to Redemption Island and gave us someone whose occupation is being Russell Hantz’s nephew (Brandon). But South Pacific is a season that gave us Cochran and, more importantly and interestingly, gave us a completely new Coach. I groaned when I heard he was coming back yet again, but he surprised me with how much he’s changed, how much he learned and how well he managed to play the game. I found myself rooting for him in the end (but was pretty content to see Sophie win it). In other words, casting saved this season from hitting rock bottom, and for that, I'm grateful!

16. All-Stars – I was psyched when they announced an all-star version of Survivor and couldn’t wait to watch…until I watched. This was the first time that the “playing with strangers” element was removed from the game, and as it turns out, I didn’t have a lot of fun watching it. Players became genuinely hurt by others’ actions to the point where I was almost uncomfortable. There were some great players who made terrible decisions based on friendships outside the game, which resulted in one of the nastiest, most hurt-filled and personal final tribal councils ever. Plus, it turned out Amber as a winner. As if watching her showmance with Rob wasn’t bad enough, All-Stars gave us the first winner who only got the prize as a vote against the other finalist. 

15. Heroes vs. Villains – Ranking this season so low on my list is somewhat a controversial decision, but I didn’t enjoy watching it as much as everyone else did. Yes, it was nice to see a season full of truly great players (except for maybe Candice), but between seeing some of my favourites perform so poorly (Colby) and watching Russell worm his way into the finals for the second time in as many seasons, I tend to give this a pass on my re-watch list.

14. Gabon – It almost pains me to put this so low simply because the location was fabulous. Lush, beautiful, full of wild animals – Gabon was, in a word, stunning. Unfortunately, the location was the most memorable and likeable thing about it. Oh sure, it was fun seeing Sugar survive on Exile Island so many times. Bob’s fake immunity necklace remains unrivaled in faked immunity apparel. And it was great seeing the nice guy win for the first time in a long time. Crystal yelling at her voting confessional -  and the players' reaction to it - was priceless. But unfortunately, there was a lot of underlying nastiness to it. Corinne and Sugar’s feud was gross, especially when it exploded at final tribal council. Sugar and company laughing hysterically at Randy’s immunity necklace faux pas was reminiscent of mean girls in high school, and Sugar’s hot and cold temperament got tiresome pretty quickly. Hmm, there seems to be a running theme to this season…

13. Exile Island – The only reason why this season tends to pop up around this spot in most Survivor lists isn’t because it’s bad – it’s because there are too many seasons that are better. But it’s actually an entertaining season! We saw one player decimate everyone in challenges, only to screw up at the last moment (Terry). We met Cirie and our lives were never the same. We met Shane, whose nicotine withdrawal was unpleasant, yet still compelling. We got Exile Island, and while I was fairly indifferent to the concept, it’s fun to see players work out these big twists for the first time. I believe it also gave us the hidden immunity idols for the first time, which was the beginning of an era.  On top of a likeable winner, Exile Island was pretty damn good. 

The top 12 seasons in the next post!

Top 5 Scariest Moments in Pretty Little Liars *Spoilers*

Okay, so this is coming out of left field. But about a year ago, my friend got me hooked on Pretty Little Liars and now I'm obsessed. I've watched every episode, I've read all of the books. It's cheesy and ridiculous, but dammit if it's not entertaining as hell. While the show is not in the horror genre, it deals with some pretty freaky stuff. Dead best friends, annonymous texts and messages from someone who is watching your every move - yeah, it can get a little creepy. A recent recap of an episode got me thinking, what are the scariest moments of the series thus far? I came up with a lot, but here are my Top 5. Spoiler alert for the series up to season three...if you don't want to know, don't read!

  5. Spencer discovers A's lair - with A. At first, it’s exciting when Spencer finally discovers A’s lair. After two seasons of getting tortured, coming across A’s secret hideyhole was a big payoff. But it quickly turned creepy once we see just how obsessed A is with the girls and Alison. Walls covered in pictures of them, of articles about Alison, dollhouses in the background – it went from exciting to horrifying in about 2 seconds flat. The moment you put it together that Spencer is alone with A in A’s lair is downright chilling.

  4. A night out at the movies - with A! The Liars gather at the movies to discuss the latest A haps, and Spencer turns and sees A sitting several rows behind them. Seeing A's hooded profile in the complete darkness is fucking scary, man. It’s so sinister - made even more so by the fact that he/she just suddenly appears. And then when they look again and A’s gone. This moment is so scary, in fact, that I wasn’t sure I should be putting it so low on the list. Points off for being a dream sequence, but holy crap. It was only a minute or two long, but that it made it on this list should speak volumes.

  3. Hanna and Aria follow Mona around Radley. Television mental hospitals are creepy. Old, abandoned wards that used to house children are creepy. Some drugged up psycho singing and talking to herself is creepy. Add them together and what have you got – a scene I could barely watch, that is how much it freaked me out. It has all the elements of a horror film, except maybe worse because Mona is singing to herself/her dolls/Hanna and Aria who she knows are hiding in the closet. This is one of the more far-fetched moments of the series (which is really saying something!), but it's still something that will send shivers up your spine.

  2. Everything and anything involving those damn Chucky dolls So I think we can all agree, antique dolls are scary as shit. I don’t believe they were actually given to children as something fun to play with. More like as punishment for doing something bad, because those things will give you nightmares for at least a week. My aunt has a room full of antique toys, including baby dolls, and I refuse to go near it. It is literally the most haunted place I’ve ever been near. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps, because you just know that it has this really awful vibe about it.

 Anyway. So yeah, old dolls = fucking scary and creepy. Dolls that have been programmed to talk to you and you alone = horrifying. A doll that has been displayed to look like your dead friend, and programmed to say a threatening message ("Follow me, end up like me!" as the doll is dead and half-buried in a grave) = shit your pants scary. A ROOM full of dolls and doll heads that start falling on you for no apparent reason = a nightmare come to life. That creepy, maybe psychic, maybe a ghost kid who lives in the doll store = Like really. Just one of those elements would have been fine enough. No need to throw them all together. It’s okay, I didn’t need to sleep ever again.

(In the season 3 opener, this is the very first "Previously on..." flashback. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR IT. Immediately gave me the chills. The dead, coming to life voice the doll has is downright the scariest thing I have ever heard in my entire existence. Yikes.)


 And the scariest moment in PLL is......

  1. Ian's body hanging from the bell tower I picked this one as the number one scariest moment because of how downright disturbing it is. Not so much “I’m about to crap my pants in fear” kind of scary (for that, see above!), but definitely something that freaks you out the more you think about it. And if it happened to you, you would only be okay after many years of therapy. Just picture it – Ian dead after falling in the tower, his body dangling, caught up in the ropes. The bells clanging non-stop because of the weight of his body. The sound of the ropes creaking as his lifeless body swings back and forth. It’s all so unsettling. It may not be one of the flashier scary moments, but it’s the kind of sight and thought that will stick with you long after it’s over.

We're a little over a month away from the Halloween episode, which has been promised to be the scariest yet. Scarier than talking Chucky dolls and corpses hanging around in the church tower? Please, I'd like to see you try.

...on second thought, actually no.

Return to Sender: The Redux

You guys. You guys. I have an amusing online dating episode to fill you in on. With pictures! To quote Julie Andrews, let's start from the very beginning...

This morning, I wake up to this message sitting in my inbox:

Normally, I delete this messages right away, but I was intrigued. Not by what he was saying, but his persona. I wanted to see what this guy - this guy who is essentially a 10/100 for me - looked like and what his personality was like. So I clicked on his profile, and came across this gem:

I think he may be a stoner. Possibly. It's not clear. Also, I'm curious if movies or the beach have contacted him yet.

I'm not against pot - I've even done it a few times, but decided I'm a good old-fashioned girl and prefer to get hammered instead. But I'm definitely not a huge pothead and probably wouldn't date someone who is. It's just the amount of references he makes to it is hilariously absurd. (That, and he can't live without sexy underwear. I bet he looks pretty in it.)

At this point, I couldn't resist. I had a hunch, but I needed to confirm it with my own eyes. So I checked out some of his answers, and, well. See for yourself. (He's blue, I'm purple. Sorry about my terrible box drawing skills.)

Clearly a match made in heaven.

Yeeeeah. Look, if that's the kind of lifestyle you want to lead, be my guest. Seriously, I won't judge you for it. It's just that I am clearly not looking for it at this point in my life anymore. It is a little frustrating to get messages from guys who haven't put in any effort or research into messaging me, because a quick scroll through my profile tells you everything you need to know about what I'm looking for. It's such a disappointment to see someone sent you a message only to get a form letter, especially from someone whose wants and needs are so completely opposite of yours.

Still, you've got to make the best out of a bad situation. I replied, and then he messaged me back in the following exchange:

Well, at least he didn't call me ugly.

Ladies and gents, I present to you: My case for dating older guys. "Old as fuck" as I may be - I'm like 5 or 6 years older than him, depending on when his birthday is - at least I did not fail to grasp basic reading comprehension skills as this poor young chap did. My age is stated clearly on my profile and I clearly fall out of the age bracket he set for himself. I guess I should take it as a compliment that he was so blown away by my beauty, he missed my age listed right beside my profile picture?

Actually, how did he even come across my profile? We wouldn't have been matched up. I wouldn't have shown up based on his preferred age perimeters. Did he really just copy and paste that charming little message to girls who live in the same city as him? He's so desperate for a bang that his only qualification was "near by"? Eurgh. The more I think about it, the more skeezed out and less amused I am by this guy. Any residual guilt I have for even taking the bait has suddenly vanished.

Love Gods, do me a solid and send me someone who is actually cool. I think you kind of owe me.

Notes from Cupid (Return to Sender)

As a follow up to my previous entry, here are some legit messages I've gotten from the dating site I have joined:

I read your profile and noticed something that I can't say about many girls on this website, you actually have a personality. Strike that and I'll take it one step further, you actually have a pulse. 

I've read vanilla profile after white bread profile on this website and came to believe I was dealing mostly with robots. And nobody wants to date a robot, they are made of metal and have claws.

This made me legitimately laugh out loud. I love, love LOVE the irony and unintentional humour here. This dude, who is going on about not being vanilla, not being a robot sends me the most generic, impersonal message there could be! He doesn't point out what it is about me that speaks to him, he doesn't mention my real name which is literally the second line of my profile, nor does he even mention my damn user name! He obviously copied & pasted this to me and some other non-vanilla ladies out there. The irony, it burns.

I actually wrote back and called him out on it. Not in a mean or bitchy way, but I made sure to point out how hilariously ironic it is. If he writes back, I'll post his response, too.

Another one:

Saw your profile and like to know more of you. It means a lot and like to know u better. I will be glad if you don't mind, just want to say that have not seen anybody's profile has soft and warm before but its means a lot and its real that is why I like your profile .Hope u happiness in your life and hope to know u . Thanks for putting your profile ,if not I will not see someone like you.

This is a bit of cheap shot, since English isn't his first language. I do feel a bit bad for posting this, because I don't like to be mean-spiritied (for the most part, heh). It's actually quite sweet, from what I can tell. I'm glad it means a lot.

Annnd:

Hi, I'm (name deleted). You seem like a cool girl that I'd definitely click with. I was wondering what type of things you like to do for fun?

I love the contradiction - how can I be someone you'd click with if you don't know what my basic hobbies and interests are?

There are a bunch more, but most of them are the same old generic copy & paste (Hi how are u? is pretty common). Anything superbly interesting and unique, I'll let you know!

Guidelines of Online Dating

Happy 2013, all! I wanted to start out the new year with a fun post. I've decided to get back out there in the dating world, but since I'm rather limited in options in my "every day" life, I would try the online dating thing. I've done it before, long ago, but I'm back in it.

Browsing profile after profile, I've noticed a few major faux pas that dudes tend to do while attempting the online thing. It's a weird experience, because it really is like shopping for a boyfriend. Or like interviewing for a job - it all feels really false. I  get the tactics that guys resort to when trying to meet someone, but maybe if they follow the below suggestions I have, they might have better luck.

• Always post a picture of yourself. No exceptions. Looks aren't supposed to matter, but they do. You have to be attracted to your (potential) partner if you want a romantic and sexual connection to them. If you don't post a picture, then you pretty much will not hear from anyone, ever. Maybe it's shallow, but that's unfortunatetly the way it is. If you have privacy concerns, maybe online dating isn't for you. If you don't think you're attractive enough...well, ask for help. Ask a friend to help pick the best picture(s) of you. Or if you have a friend who is into photography, get them to set up a mini photo shoot for they can get your "best angles." Just be careful not to photoshop - posting a picture of an airbrushed you might get you a date, but it won't get you a second! Also, consider this - if you don't upload a picture, it makes us think you have something to hide!
• Be somewhat creative in your photo selections. Most sites will recommend posting a couple of pictures. However, when they give this advice, I don't think they consider posting 4 shots of you in the exact same pose - usually a picture of yourself taken with your camera phone, looking at the mirror - really counts as multiple pictures. I've come across a surprisingly large amount of profiles where I've seen this. And no, it's not the case of accidentally uploading the same picture twice - in some, the guy is wearing different outfits. Doing this makes you look lazy and uncreative. I tend to respond more to the profiles where the guy has a bunch of photos of himself in a few different scenarios - it makes him look livelier and more approachable and fun. Much more so than that sullen man in the mirror.
• Let me see your face. Perhaps the only thing worse than not uploading a picture is uploading a picture that gives me no idea whatsoever about what you look like. Yes, I've seen many a profile where the guy's face is obscured, blurry, far away, etc. Falling into the same category as the no picture people, keeping yourself a mystery will decrease your chances of finding Ms. Right.
• Don't upload a picture of you surrounded by other women. No, you're not making me jealous. But when you post pictures of you with a bunch of other girls - worse if you're clearly at a bar - it makes you look at worst depserate to prove you can attract a woman's attention and a best a player.
• Avoid posting pictures of you looking wasted. If you're actually serious about finding someone, and not just for the night, I recommend you think twice about posting that "hiliarious" picture of you totally trashed at a party. I mean, look. We've all partied. We've all gotten drunk. There are tons of hilarious and hilariously bad photos of me at parties over the years, and I love them. But I would never put them on a dating site. Coming across as a big party animal could work against you, especially once you've hit a certain age. Think about it this way - a lot of people say they try online dating to avoid the bar scene....so please leave it there!
• Choose your screen name wisely. A lot of the free sites make you pick your username, and that's fine. But just so you know, names like Mr. Niceguy and Lookin4Luv come off as surprisingly sleazy.
• Put at least some effort into your profile. Filling those suckers out can be annoying and tedious, I know. The questios they ask are usually pretty goofy. But when you clearly haven't put any effort in - answering "I don't know" or "I'll fill this out later" - you will be turning off a lot of potential mates. If you don't put in the effort to make yourself look appealing, no one will make the effort to get to know you.
• Use proper spelling and grammar. I know that English isn't everyone's firtst language, and I get that it's not everyone's strong suit. That's fine. And maybe this the grammar snob in me but when I see someone write stuff like "u look hott" or use "da" instead of "the" and "wid" instead of "with," I cringe. Then I delete your message.
• DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, COPY AND PASTE THE SAME MESSAGE TO A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT WOMEN. This is the big one, so pay attenion. Guys: we can always tell when you do this. The jig, she is up. I will automatically delete any messages from someone who didn't bother to read my profile. You clearly aren't that interested in me and you didn't put any effort whatsoever, so why do you think I should bother with you? It's intimidating, breaking that ice. I get it. But doing the old copy and paste is no way to do it.

So if you follow my advice, you might have better luck in the jungle of online dating. It's daunting out there, I know,  but there are ways to make it a little less so. Really, all you need to do is write a nice, concise profile, and put a little effort into the messages you send. The worst that can happen is the person won't write back. Go forth, my darlings!

And as a new mini-feature, I'm going to start posting any hilarious messages I get from guys. Let's start with this gem:

Women in my height range are exceedingly hard to find, especially ones as gorgeous as you

It shouldn't surprise you to learn that this guy has the word "massive" in his username.